last night went so much better than I anticipated. we sat down and had a nice, normal, civil, comfortable conversation...until the moment when he asked if I was doing okay. and I about lost it...it took everything in me not to scream "no, I AM FAR FROM OKAY!!" but I swallowed the pain, smiled, and reassured him I was doing fine. it was what he needed to hear.
I have always been highly protective of him. I have every right to be hurt, embarrassed, ANGRY at what is happening in my life...at HIM. but I don't possess the ability to knowingly do or say something to hurt him...even if its totally justified...never have. hell, the morning I found out what was actually going on? I smiled at him and kissed him and wished him a good day at work...because I didn't want to start a fight and have it hanging over his head all day long. I was dying inside, and my biggest concern was him.
*le sigh* I don't know if being THAT self-sacrificing makes me admirable or pathetic.
in case anybody is wondering? meds are the best invention EVAR. I had no idea what life could be like without crippling anxiety. that's not to say I don't still spike every once in a while, but it isn't CONSTANT and it never lasts more than a couple minutes. and considering the confusing hell my life has become, that's saying a lot. now, if they'd just start working on the depression...but I guess that will come with time.
I've officially moved in to my best friend's spare bedroom. I've managed to completely disrupt and semi-pause his own life, and he has shown me nothing but patience and understanding...even when I stare at him dumbly and ask him to repeat himself for the third time, 'cause I still can't quite hold a thought in my head. Boogher is an amazing person. as are all my friends, whose out pouring of support has been humbling.
I have to see him tonight to pick up a couple more things, and I'm a little worried about it. last time I was alone with him I felt such a surge of rage I could barely control it, and I ended up just walking out the door because I started hyper ventilating...way to go, me!!! I want both of us to be able to handle all this without it getting messy and bitter, but I worry that things are still too raw...and seeing him is hard anyway (alone or not), because this is the man that I love more than anyone else in the world, and now we can barely even look each other in the eye. and I really fucking hate that.
I had two lucky days of mild to no anxiety. but today has been very bad. today has been a day of thinking too damn much. did I do the right thing, leaving when I did? am I making the right decisions? is there something I could have said...should have said? something done differently?
I'm still having a hard time grasping that yes...this is my life. this lost, scared, betrayed, heartsick woman is who I'll be for a long time to come. I'll be going along, doing fine, and all the sudden it will hit me like a punch to the stomach...I won't be going home today. I won't be talking to him or seeing him today. I won't get to curl up on the couch and snuggle with Linus. tomorrow morning, I won't be walking out my door kissing him goodbye. all those things...all those daily little things that mean so damn much? are gone.
I miss my life.
so much has happened in the last couple days, I don't even know where to begin...but I guess we'll start with the fact that even tho I've struggled with extreme anxiety my whole adult life, I've never been able to swallow enough pride to get help...until now. the simple truth is I wasn't going to survive myself if I didn't. I am on anti-anxiety, anti-depression, and sleeping pills. time will tell just how much they'll help, but I already feel a small measure of difference.
Johnny's wake was horrible. being surrounded by people I didn't have a right to be around anymore. I felt shame for even being there. and god, seeing Johnny like that...no words. the funeral was even worse. but it wasn't about my struggles, it was about honoring Johnny...and I did the best I could.
and oh, god. after getting back from the funeral, I did the unthinkable...the impossible...what I didn't believe I'd have the strength to do. I packed up my clothes and my personal items and my pigs and I left. for the first time in eight years I put myself before him. and I feel so guilty for the timing of it...but I wasn't going to survive another night in that house and I knew it.
"there are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." so exactly where I am in my life right now.
there is just too much going on right now. too much pain, and how can one body hold it all? my friend John passed away this morning. when I first got the news, I felt...nothing. just numb. but its hitting now, and damn it hurts. and I need to give and receive comfort from the person who shares my pain at his loss, but that's the last place I can turn to right now, because I'm not wanted.
so to Johnny...you are loved and will be missed by so many. there aren't enough words to explain how many lives you have touched and how deep the wound goes at your passing. you are at peace now, and I know your family is surrounded by people that love them...that love you...and will help them make it through this. peace to you, my friend.
it absolutely amazes me that life is going on around me when I am in so much pain I literally don't know what to do. it feels like the world should be stopping for EVERYONE....every thing...since its stopped for me.
I guess I'm still in the denial phase. because I CANNOT face doing what I know I have to do. I still cannot even comprehend it. I still cannot accept the fact that 8 years just got tossed like it was nothing more important than garbage. I cannot accept the fact that the life I had planned and worked for is gone...the future I was excited to live is gone. I have to start over.
I need to wake up. I need to get out of this nightmare. I CANNOT STAND THIS. but its going to happen anyway, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
8 fucking years. and they add up to exactly nothing. I hurt.
Doug and I have been trying to remember the name/artist of this song for weeks! and I finally got a smart and googled it tonight. LOL
I know alot of people "hate" country music, but if you're so stubborn as to say this song sucks just 'cause it's performed by a country artist...well then, poo on you. because its a damn beautiful song, no matter what your preferred genre.