last night went so much better than I anticipated. we sat down and had a nice, normal, civil, comfortable conversation...until the moment when he asked if I was doing okay. and I about lost it...it took everything in me not to scream "no, I AM FAR FROM OKAY!!" but I swallowed the pain, smiled, and reassured him I was doing fine. it was what he needed to hear.

I have always been highly protective of him. I have every right to be hurt, embarrassed, ANGRY at what is happening in my life...at HIM. but I don't possess the ability to knowingly do or say something to hurt him...even if its totally justified...never have. hell, the morning I found out what was actually going on? I smiled at him and kissed him and wished him a good day at work...because I didn't want to start a fight and have it hanging over his head all day long. I was dying inside, and my biggest concern was him.

*le sigh* I don't know if being THAT self-sacrificing makes me admirable or pathetic.