so much has happened in the last couple days, I don't even know where to begin...but I guess we'll start with the fact that even tho I've struggled with extreme anxiety my whole adult life, I've never been able to swallow enough pride to get help...until now. the simple truth is I wasn't going to survive myself if I didn't. I am on anti-anxiety, anti-depression, and sleeping pills. time will tell just how much they'll help, but I already feel a small measure of difference.

Johnny's wake was horrible. being surrounded by people I didn't have a right to be around anymore. I felt shame for even being there. and god, seeing Johnny like that...no words. the funeral was even worse. but it wasn't about my struggles, it was about honoring Johnny...and I did the best I could.

and oh, god. after getting back from the funeral, I did the unthinkable...the impossible...what I didn't believe I'd have the strength to do. I packed up my clothes and my personal items and my pigs and I left. for the first time in eight years I put myself before him. and I feel so guilty for the timing of it...but I wasn't going to survive another night in that house and I knew it.

"there are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." so exactly where I am in my life right now.